The Enneagram and its invitation for growth

It is believed that over half of the population in the world is a six in the Enneagram. Although nobody likes to assume their “number”, I think that sixes are even less likely to ever accept it. I have only met one person in my life who had “come out” as a six. For over ten years I had been convinced and proud that I was a two in the Enneagram, a “helper”. It was during the pandemic, which compounded with a cancer diagnosis and two moves back to back, had pushed me into unhealthy levels that had made the six in me more obvious than ever. At that time I found myself with a spiritual leader who had nudged me to rethink my number. From the outside it was clear to her that the way I was handling all of it, was driven by the need of security and safety. To summarize it very simply, sixes are afraid of everything, I dare say afraid of life. But even so they can look very different from each other, and that is what makes it so difficult to assess, as counterphobic sixes look very brave as they take extreme risks. Sixes can also look and be very helpful but the difference between them and the twos (helpers) is the reason why they help….security.

Finding out I was a six in the Enneagram felt like finding out I had been living a lie. I revisited all my books frantically, found out all the information I possibly could about this number that I had ignored for years. I had found the six so dull and unintersting, I remember even saying I could not understand how a six actually functioned in life. Of course the first thing I read was that Hitler was probably a six…… great! Just what I needed to hear. The more I read helped me understand my reactions a bit more, but I still could not embrace being a six. As much as I tried to find something that I considered lofty about this number, I really could not find anything to be proud of. Yes, we were loyal and yes we were considered the most brave of the whole Enneagram, but only because we were the most afraid to start off with.

There was nothing about the six I was proud of, but I did feel more compassion for myself and how I had navigated life. Leaving my farm in Atlanta in 2019 and all the friends I had made, was one of the hardest things I have done. I had never been in a place long enough to build deep friendships and ten years in Atlanta had given me that gift of feeling settled somewhere. Navigating a year of cancer treatment there was a gift, as I felt supported by so many wonderful people. With a new understanding of what motivates a six, I could now feel compassion for that Paula who had to leave all that behind, wondering who would be there for her and most importantly her children if something were to happen to her in this new city. Then the pandemic and another move that year really shook me and led me to look for something I could hang on to.

Family Constellations found me in this state of fear. Something about constellation work really spoke to my soul and I think it was the respect and acceptance of life just as it is. The understanding that we all have our fates and that everything is perfect just the way it is. It seems simple but that gave me a lot of peace and took that undue sense of responsibility although not away, at least pushed it to the side. It showed me that life and death are more connected than we are aware of and that each has its own force. It taught me that many of us think we are adults, but we might be still standing in our child. Our child needs to be saved, is afraid to be on his or her own because they know that without their parent figure they cant survive.

It was at this time in my life, that I traveled to Germany to meet my old friend Thomas. It was at his farm where I found my horse. He was only three years old, unbroke and without an official name yet. The name needed to begin with the letter V and I wanted it to be in spanish since Thomas and I had met in Argentina many years ago. We pulled up every word in spanish that began with the letter V and from the few good options for a name, we came up with Valiente. It was not until I was in Uruguay in one of my Family Constellations intensive trainings that I realized what I had named my horse and how his name was more than that, it was an invitation.

Valiente was also not brave….if there was an Enneagram for horses I know he would also be a six. The airplane ride to the US must have been a lot for this poor soul who had known nothing but love and peace in his beautiful home in Düsseldorf. When he arrived he was so afraid of everything, he was hyper reactive to all his surroundings. And me being a six and knowing what laid ahead, I had decided to find help rather than putting the trust in myself and my knowledge and intuition. That is what we sixes do, we second guess ourselves and love to find someone we can put our trust in instead.

That first day I went to get on Valiente, I was not looking at my horse, I was looking at the trainer. I did not look into his eyes, as I would have known he was not ready for me to put my foot in that stirrup. I was not looking at myself, I was looking at someone else….just like I had all my life, looking for guidance everywhere but inside of me. Without any connection to my horse or my instincts, I blindly followed a quite rational request, to get on. It is not what we do but how we do it and with what energy. As soon as I put weight on the stirrup and had lifted my other foot off the ground, there was no going back. I do not know what he did, all I felt was my body being catapulted through the air and there was nothing I could do.

Laying on the ground, in great pain all I could think of was, this is not the way. Once we took Valiente to his stall and he was safe, I hastily put away his tack, and I got in my car to go home. I had not reached the gate before I burst into tears. I was not afraid, I was not embarrassed, I was sad and so disappointed at how I had second guessed myself all my life. Throughout my life I had taken risks, but put myself in dangerous situations just because I hadnt trusted my instincts. Emotions that had been represed for years came flooding down and I knew I had to let myself feel that.

Risking what people were going to think and say about me, knowing I could no longer afford to second guess myself, I drove my horse back to my friend’s barn the following morning. There Valiente and I began OUR journey, the way WE knew how, listening to my instincts, listening to him and began our slow, slow path back to trusting again. It took being thrown to the ground by my horse to understand that the only way forward for me was going to have to be found in ME. That for my own safety I could not longer put my trust in anyone other than myself. I knew I could easily send him off to a cowboy for a few months, but I knew this was a lesson my soul had chosen, I did not have a timeline, I just had to trust myself.

Constellations teach us that life will push us unless we are listening and change and become co-creators. If we are listening and connected with ourselves we will be able to allow its guidance to lead us and opportunities will be found everywhere. When we can only see one way and we become attached to an outcome, then we miss all the gifts that are in front of us for our taking. So I began to very slowly offer less resistance to life, to accept it, to be patient with it. It is not easy, it has been my greatest struggle. But I want to stand in my adult more and more so that I can reflect the healthy aspects of a six, so I can be brave, centered, and loyal. Valiente as well as many things that did “not go my way” in my life had been an invitation to grow…and I began RSVP “YES” in my own, imperfect, but distinctive way.